what am i thankful for?

bloggggie.

long time no see!
i apologize; but i really need to rant.

today was the worst day of my senior year so far ... and its only november.
i really don't know if i can take this anymore.

my mom once told me something that i'll never forget.
she said, "amy, if you're ever going to a location and while in the car, you stop at many red lights, its showing you that you're being delayed and its not looking good or meant to be. but if you are going somewhere and it just so happened that everytime you can near a light, it turns green and you have a smooooothhh rideeeee, something good is on its way."

well, a lot of things like that has happened to me and it has proved to me that her "theory" is right. (haha i also believe in feng shui, did you know that?)

this morning, when driver joystick dude was taking me to school, he missed the turn. after i hesistantly asked him "umm, uncle, where are you going?" he replied "oooooh, sorry, i was falling asleep."

that, mr, was the first sign that a bad day was about to occur.

when i thought that things couldn't get worse, doyle's class was worse than ever. we're going to watch American President this week and guess what? take notes on when the president in the movie changes his "hats." seriously ...
that class is already enough of a drag.

haha guess what?
she gave the test back ...
and i am fully convinced that she is going to give me a bad grade.
she dislikes me as is.
i'm not as outgoing as sally, and i'm not key club president like her track manager eileen.
i'm just that asian girl in the front.

next period, i got a fucking zero (and i thought my brodsky days were over.) fuck that shit, i don't even wanna talk about it. i mean, we even said at SLT that one of our critieria on the school walkthrough rubric was "preparing students for college." do you think a professor will give you a zero in a class? NO.
BITCH.
i can say bye bye to my 90 (if she was going to give me one in the first place) that i worked hard for, studying, outlining and doing 10+ extra credits for the marking period.

this brings me to my basic purpose of this rant:
today is the day the teachers do their grades; you know. so basically that was the last impression i left with her.

third and fourth period:
i said something very very intelligent in calc today and she gave me a plus mark.
however, i bombed the quiz.
she even gave up on writing "what happened?" on my papers.
i don't understand the material, but i spent a lot of time going over math today once i got home ... does that count for anything?
definitely not going to get a good grade from her.
i'm sure that if i had schwartz and had these grades, he'd definitely give me at least an 88.
kjfosdjf sdfIHSD IFPHS DIFH .

fifth:
ms. schwortz and i are still kind of awkward about the trip on the 10th thing.
what-eve.
i don't have time to care about this dilema.
but she gave me a 98 on a paper!
we have a biggggg paper due mid december.
i'm screwed.

sixth:
my montage is crap.
i should just rip it up and throw it in the garbage.
i didn't take pictures of ANIMALS like other people did COUGH COUGH JDSIADJS ASHDFNsfhsdfj.
she won't look at my work; by the time she does, its going to be on the duedate.
why am i so unlucky? WHY?
despite that, i realized how much of a pain my "other-version" of film that i used on sunday will cause.

seventh period i was like high. why? because i was facking upset with today.
ran around like an idiot. bumped weights with random people, thus pissing them off.
blog, i told you.
i was high.
and upset.
why do people get high?
usually because they're upset.

after having ice cream with baby, i took the 12, which went speedy like he says it is.
after getting off, the 76 was just coming! felt happy for a few minutes- the bus was packed. to top it off, when the bus arrived at st. francis prep, the girl leaned over to give her friend her cell phone to look at (WHO CAREs?) and fell and stepped on my foot. mad hard.
i wanted to scream in pain, but could not.
i only had one pole to hold on to, and that was on the one on the back of the double seats. one a.a. dude was sitting in front of his other a.a. dude friend and turned around to talk to each other. my hand was right there! but they decided it would be cool to talk over my hand, thus breathing on my hand and even coughing on it too.

when my report card comes on the 4th, i'm going to see which teacher really appreciates my effort.
watch there be no one.

bloggie, i really, honestly, don't care if i get an 85 avg.
the real reason why i'm upset is because I only applied to 5 (well, actually, 6) colleges. I don't know how high my chances are. i don't know how much colleges count your senior grades when deciding admission.
i'm really worried about myself.
not only with academics, but my health as well, but you knowme. i always put my health last.

why?
because being healthy won't make people like me more. because being simply healthy won't get me anywhere in life. because being healthy won't make anyone proud of me.

only one good thing happened to me today:
it was when my mom came into my room and was changing her clothes. she took a glimpse at what i was going: aka, calculus and was like "WOW, you know how to do that? you're so smart; when i did that when i was young, i failed. i'm so proud of you."
it felt good ....
until i realized ...
my problem with calc right now.

i can't cry again, seriously.
how many times do i need to cry in one week?
why am i so hopeless?
am i the only one?

a 4th grader getting 5 biopsies for her thyroid didn't cry. at all. why can't that be me? i'm more than twice her age.

i see my friends or even people on the street looking so happy.
i think about my senior quote, "if you want to be happy- be" and yet ... i can't seem to follow it.

acck.
i'm such a loser, aren't i?

i hope and i hope and i hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
i really do.
i really do.

to be honest i only know of one thing that can make me happy:
and yet, i need to wait 24 long, strenous days for it to happen.
not only that, but there is a high percentage it won't occur.

i ask again: is there a God?
and if so, does he love me?

i've been holding this in for such a long time.

i'm sorry.

i'm thirsty.